Diaphorumbreon
by CrestOfFire
Summary: Prompt: "Conquering the world with Umbreon's poisonous sweat." Review and recommend, blah blah blah, Pokémon ain't mine (not yet). Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1: Espeonage

**A/N:**

**There was a guy from, uh, Balamory,  
And he wanted to make this huge story.  
But the characters were,  
Not owned by him (duh!)  
So he said so to escape the law...y.**

**Shoot me, I can't write limericks.**

**And this is where I write the shout-out bit or something? OK, this arceusawful story was written for someone with too many Umbreon and not enough money.**

* * *

_Chapter One:_ **IN WHICH ESPEONAGE IS PERFORMED**

The moonlight shone down on the city of Genericville, splaying off the myriad windows like moonlight tends to do. The citizens were worried. A huge army of Umbreon had been seen gathering not too far away, and - as you might expect - tension was high. Like the force exerted on a wire by the ski-lift, except with much less wire and much more shouting.

"Look, Sedirus, I understand what you mean, but there's really nothing to worry about. We are in_ no danger whatsoever_."

The Gallade glared at his fellow guard, a Toxicroak, wondering just how he could say such things. _Of __**course**__ we're in danger. The Night Armada is just outside. The moment we _open the gates, they'll come swarming in with their Night Slashes and their Shadow Balls, and we'll DIE! Don't you get it? This is serious!"

Somewhere, that had transitioned to speech, he was sure. The Toxicroak began to formulate a reply when-

-A ball of hard shadows impacted against the Gallade's back, sending him flying across the room; the Toxicroak jumped forward, its claws glowing with purple energy, and ***psychic***. It crashed against the floor, a deadly psychic pulse coursing through his body, amplified by his poisonous, adrenaline-filled blood. For a brief moment, Arlan the Toxicroak _suffered_.

A male Espeon stepped out from the shadows, forked tail twitching like a poor-quality dowsing machine as it scanned the area for any more guards whilst he dragged the corpses into a nearby supply closet.

He raised a paw to his right ear and lightly struck the visor-headpiece combo twice, transmitting just two short taps over the closed-band communications system. Waited... and _there it is_. Three taps back.

"Espeonage Zero. Guardhouse is clear, repeat, the guardhouse is clear. Seven, with me. Two, Three, Six, get that gate open. One, Four, you're on sentry duty. Five, see if you can't get a message back to the Armada."

"Three here. Six took a hit from a Weavile on the way in, Two's administering a Heal Pulse now."

_Damn it!_, 'Espeonage Zero' thought. They were supposed to be experts in infiltration. In... espionage (**_Espeon_**age, he corrected himself). They were the best of the best. Six shouldn't have been hit. Six shouldn't have even been detected.

"This is Five. Armada says to open the gate."

"Confirmed."

The Espeon slid on a full-face gas mask; behind him, in the doorway, Espeonage Seven did the same.

"Let's do this, gentlemen."


	2. Chapter 2: The Johneva Convention

**A/N: Pokémon isn't mine. If it was, Serperior would be part Dragon-type, Shaymin would be available in the wild, Snorlax would learn Slack Off, Rotom-A would have a better Ability, Rampardos would get Rock Head, Flareon would have a Fire-type physical signature move and FRLG would have a badass sequel like HGSS but better.**

**Why are there no reviews yet? COME ON, PEOPLE, REVIEW THIS TERRIBLE STORY!**

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_Chapter Two:_ **IN WHICH THE JOHNEVA CONVENTION IS BROKEN**

"Three days ago, when the gates to the city opened (though no-one was quite sure how), the Umbreon swarmed in, surrounding the fortress that Genericville was so famous for. They'd quickly overrun the outer defenses, capturing the first district in an iron paw of righteous justice. The civilians were completely unharmed and were strongly urged to stay indoors to avoid any risk of war crimes by the Genericans-"

The Shaymin shook his head, striking out the offending sentence with a thick black line. His duties to the Armada were numerous; treasure treasurer, strategic schemer, even propaganda promulgator. The last one was particularly egregious in that the writing style completely differed depending on whether the current archivist was dead yet or not. He adjusted the crown on his quills (a relic from a bygone age - the crown, that is, not the quills) and read onwards. It wasn't going well at all.

* * *

The walls of Fort Oolong shook with the force of a thousand Dark Pulses, besieged from all sides. Shadow Balls pinged off its walls like Shadow Balls pinging off a wall. The Octillery emplacements rocked with the staccato bangs of Octazooka explosions, and Hyper Beams lanced out from the merlons, carving great zig-zags of destruction in the Night Armada forces.

They had held them off for three days now, but the Armada was pushing ever closer. Deep inside the fortress, a Slowking turned to his Nidoqueen in despair. His biggest worry wasn't anything to do with the siege - oh, no, the war council would solve all that - but that _they weren't even biologically compatible_. The top Porygon scientists had been called in and, after many months of rigorous testing, it had been determined Nidoqueen Elizabeth the NaNth preferred to play with other Pokémon.

But the council had been called for an entirely different reason. Weezing, the leading authority in poison gas weapons, had been called in, and the various Bisharps and Seakings and Kingdras had assembled around a large, wooden table with a scale replica of the city.

"If y'keep defendin' like this, you'll just be surrounded an' starved out. So what y' really need is somethin' to repel them. Drive 'em back, you know? Now I don't know abou' you, but I think you could do it with gas. With... Repels."

The Bisharp stepped back, appalled at the suggestion. "Repels have been against the Johneva Convention for years! Even the notion of using them is a war crime! It's dishonourable, is what it is! How dare you suggest such a thing?!"

The Weezing shook its heads, continuing. "Yeah, but you're Steel, ain't you? Y'wouldn't understand anyway. The Convention's jus' a set o' guidelines, way I see it. It's not set in stone, not th', th' ultimate authority on what's allowed and wha' isn't. We, we use it an' we might just win this."

"... You have a point.", muttered the Kingdra, nodding slowly. "We've got no chance against so many. We need to level the playing field, take the fight to them. Besides... We have the high ground; they cannot win."


End file.
